[Here's the segment where I critique various playoff beards from around the NHL in a very serious manner. Since I am a beard aficionado and frequent grower of beards, it seems only natural that I should share my expertise with all of you. Use this beard guide, The Trustworthiness of Beards, that is labeled on a spectrum of Very Trustworthy to Disastrous, to help you out.]
Student: Mason Raymond; left winger of the Vancouver Canucks, as of May 1st, 2010
First off, we all know that Mason Raymond is actually 12-years-old. So in reality, the beard that he's sporting is quite impressive for a prepubescent boy. As he is in the NHL, however, I have to judge him by NHL standards.
Playoff Beard Report Card
Effort: C. Mason can't even muster enough hair growth on his chinny chin chin, which means that the effort he puts into grooming and taming is...well...minimal. Sorry Ray-Ray, life isn't fair.
Attitude of beard: WB, which stands for Wannabe-Gangsta. Mason looks like one of those young, ambitious, but slightly oblivious secondary characters in The Sopranos who gets pushed around by all the gun-toting head honchos. I can see his nickname now: Baby Blue. Say it with a New Jersey accent. Oo, yeah.
Laughability: B+. I have to admit, I legit lol'd at the television while watching his interview yesterday night. But it was more of a bark kind of laugh, a loud, immediate outburst that I hastily stuffed back in because I felt guilty. And then I laughed some more.
Potential for future beard growth: A. See those curly, cupid locks? Those big, bushy eyebrows? Mason has in him the gene of thick, fertile hair. His father and mother have sewn the seeds of possibility. Now, Mason needs to harvest this potential, and in five years, he could very well sport a beard of Trustworthy standards.
Overall, Mason's grades qualify for a spot in the Patchy Beard a.k.a. The Sidney Crosby category. See the guide for more details. Nice try Mason. Better luck next year; puberty can do wonders to the body.
1 comments: on "Playoff Beard Report Card: Mason Raymond"
LOL! Great article. Why aren't there any more report cards? I want more!
Post a Comment